It's okay to be an ugly mammal

I want to be a sweet photog, but I am terribly impatient with photoshop. I constantly have to take short little breaks.

I have taken a VERY LARGE number of photos in August and am now playing catch up with photoshop.

I think out of the hundreds of photos I have taken this month that this is my favorite...he's just awesome and I love him....

Dad, I think I finally get it, and six years later it rings most true then and now.

"Now it is time to give you wings and kick you off the branch and see how well you fly. Some fly high, some fast, and some fly with style. Both eagles and hummingbirds are beautiful and useful but fly in very different ways. Neither can do what the other can do. Then there is the bat- an ugly mammal but able to fly with great style."

A new kind of work week

I find this article interesting. I hope that those effected, and the community are able to make the adjustment and find benefit in it the new hours. I think it is a fantastic idea. I wonder if it succeeds if other states will follow Utah's lead.

Keep an eye on that.

Do you Do you like dreaming of things so impossible or only the practical?

The Olympics are freakin awesome and I love them. I should add to my list of dreams- attending the Olympics. Next time they come to the US of A I am going to go!

I love all the dramatic video packages, and the back stories, and the close finishes, and the medal ceremonies, and the tears.

In the qualifying round of Womens Gymnastics one of the Chinese girls fell of the uneven bars and when she was done she came down and she was crying, and her team came to support her and it was so touching. It was a heartbreaking and touching Olympic Moment.



P.S. I still love listening to old Dashboard Confessional.

Overflowing.

The past two weeks have been full. I have been in a car for a total of about 24 hours, I have seen many people I love, and I have taken loads of pictures- although not as many as I should have.

I feel a new energy building inside me. I feel a bit recharged, motivated, and I feel an excitement of opportunity.

I am resisting the urge to recount every detail here. Instead- some thoughts and highlights in bullet points.

1. The Dark Knight is a fantastic movie, nay a fantastic piece of cinema- worth seeing on both a normal size movie screen and IMAX.

2. Love is amazing and I miss feeling it in overwhelming abundance.

3. I enjoy taking pictures- and am sad when they are not amazing. I want to get better so that I can take amazing pictures.

4. I love my family. For better or worse- I love them so much it hurts.

5. It is dangerous to over think life- you miss out on living it. I need to stop flirting with danger and start falling in love with life.

6. Happiness in work may be achieved if only we have two jobs- more variety.

7. Kimberly Rush is pretty and I hope we continue to be friends for a long time- so that at the age of 50 we may still tell people, "We've been friends since the womb."

8. Wasps can and will sting you through clothing. The sting may grow up to four inches wide and turn red and purple.

9. I do not tan- I freckle and burn. When I am lucky the redness fades and takes on a nice tan like color.

10. I am surrounded by so much thought, so much wisdom, so much life, so much to learn, to appreciate, to love. I want to grow- and I want to process it with my best friend. His name is Benjamin and I have not seen him in two weeks. I will go to sleep tonight and a few hours later- in the wee hours of the morning he will return to me. He will come home- kneel down beside our bed- brush my hair away from my face and kiss me. I will stir, wake to see him, and smile. Then our hectic life will continue- but for a change I will have work and we will both be sleeping in our bed. Atleast for this week...

11. I am thankful. I do not show it enough, or share it enough, or thank God enough.

12. I can drink girly drinks, but I prefer beer. Good ol beer. I enjoy sharing a beer with someone who also enjoys it.

that's enough for now.

questioning self and feeling bitter against the "system"

At a time in my life I was often asked- What are you studying? Why did you choose that? What are you going to do with that?

I was never quite sure how to answer those questions. Why did I choose my course of study and why did I choose where I studied it.

I am trying to remember. Growing up I changed my answer to "What do you want to do when you grow up?" a number of times. I wanted to be a psychologist- because people said I was a good listener and advice giver. I do not know when that idea ended, perhaps when I realized it meant a PHD, aka many years of school. I wanted to be a chef- because I liked to cook and eat. This ended when I learned that Chef's work nights and weekends and days and all the time. Then I wanted to study business, because it sounded wise and practical and I thought being an entrepreneur was cool. There were many others- I go through a lot of "phases."

Then one day I chose film. I do not remember the day or the reason. I always liked movies and TV- I was saturated with it growing up. My siblings and I often discussed what movies we would make, and when we had a video camera we made them.

I did not do a whole lot of research into "film schools." I do not think I really knew what I was doing. Does any 17 year old really know?

Well I got my rejection letters, and my acceptance letters. It seemed God wanted me in Philadelphia. I went to visit each school in turn. Drexel impressed me more- so I went there. I signed the form that day saying- YES- I will pay you thousands of dollars!

Then I got there and I was a bit intimidated. What did I have to show? What did I want to do?
Why was I studying film?

I do not know if I ever answered that question. I am sure that I came up with something to tell people. Do I know the answer now? Not sure. I think I probably chose to study film because I thought it would mean not working in a cubicle for the rest of my life. Well, my job in the movies currently does not involve sitting in a cubicle, but it does involve sitting at a computer at a desk and using excel a whole lot.

Currently I find myself wanting the things I used to not want. I want to go back to school. I want to keep learning.

I am just not done learning and I enjoy and learn best in a school environment. Why do we ever stop going to school? Why do we have to choose at 17 and younger (if you really want to pick the best school and do all the right stuff to get into said school you have to decide much much younger).

But how can I work and help support myself if I am in school? Oh- the twists of life.

I could ramble on this topic forever- because I am in one of those moods. One of those moods when I question all my decisions and feel itter about the "system" that makes you pick the rest of your life at such a young age and google grad schools and wish I was doing anything but what I am currently doing.

I will stop here.

Except to say- How can I say I would prefer to be doing other stuff if I am not doing it? It would be one thing to say- I want to switch to a career in photography if I was taking loads of pictures and spending all my free time on it, but I am not. Until I find my time (and NOT just my mind) consumed with something do I really deserve the switch? I think the answer is no. Which is why I must keep battling and follow through on my ideas.

STOP.

The story of a new purchase...

As so sadly revealed a few entries back- my beloved Canon Powershot SD600 died. I explained to BK that although I love the camera it just did not seem worth it to me to pay $100.00 to repair it when I can buy a newer model for $200-$300. We discussed it and decided that now was not the best time to buy a replacement since work has been scarce for me this summer and expenses were high last month. So I have decided to wait...

I have decided to take this as a sign to return to my original photog ways and start using my DSLR more often. So I have once again picked up my Nikon D50 and resolved to learn to love it again. It is good for me to "try" and "think" when taking photos, because that is how I will become a better photographer. With this in mind I wanted to look for a new lens. The lens that came with my D50 is just not that great and I think it may have minor damages- the focus is just not very good. So- I looked around for a good lens that I could afford. I found one I thought was a good lens to add to my kit, as well as a good price. I called BK and explained the purchase and he gave his blessing. I looked at reviews and thought it over. I then consulted my photog friend- the one and only Charlie Shoemaker. Then finally I clicked on "purchase."

Let me introduce my new lens:

It should arrive in 3-5 days, at which time we will get to know one another real well.

I will let the death of my Canon be a blessing. I will stretch myself. It has even made me want to break out my old comfortable friend Pentax SLR.

Rockers to Swallow by Yeah Yeah Yeahs is also the new jam. Down Boy is a close second. Actaully- they tie.

I have a new favorite saying- it goes,

"I'm Lost in the middle of in-between."

I heard the saying in the happy go lucky, musical comedy and all around family film from Disney: The Happiest Millionaire. I netflixed it mainly because it is based upon Anthony J. Drexel Biddle, Sr. and I am super into the Drexel fam right now, but also because I thought I could use a happy go lucky family film. So- really this was the last place I expected to come upon such a saying. Then comes the song from Cordelia Drexel Biddle- where she sings to herself about her inability to understand who she is to be. It's a sweet young 1916 identity crisis. Is she valentine candy or boxing gloves? She is lost in the middle of in between...being a girly girl or girl her father raised?

I love the phrase. It perfectly sums up how I have felt at times recently. I am sure others can relate. I was thinking- that is exactly how I have felt when I was not yet a a place I wanted to be. I have felt lost in between where I have left behind and where I want to go.

It is the new jam- use it.

Paper Planes by M.I.A is the new jam.

It is a lovely day outside. I am enjoying my porch- which by the way has a new and improved table and chairs. BK and I have been making a number of home improvements over the past few weeks, but this is our best. We are very proud of the work we did on this...including stripping, replacing all the wood, and painting and apolstering the table top and chairs. It was fun.




Let me show you a little bit of what it took to get this table and chairs to where it was...











We are both very happy with the end result. We have bragged about it to anyone who will look and listen. I also have strung lights...they are pretty. I very much enjoy my porch now- and I welcome any of you friends to come and visit and sit there with me. We can BBQ, read, play cards, or any number of things. Recently we have enjoyed BBQ, and cards.

Goodbye, my sweet one.

My Canon Powershot SD600 just died. I was going to show Daniel pictures I had on the camera from Mitch's wedding. I turned it on and it let out a horrible grinding noise and the beeped 3 times and said, "Lens error, please restart camera." My heart was broken. I tried to restart, and a number of other tactics like removing the battery and trying again. The lens will not go back into the camera. It just grinds and beeps and I cry.

It is not under warrenty so I would have to pay for a repair. I feel if I am going to pay 100 bucks (canon's estimate based on the model number and age) to repair it I might as well pay 200 to buy a new one.

I am sad. Me and that little guy have seen so much together. We've grown into an adult, we've partied, we've laughed, and we've cried. It's seen me get engaged, and then journeyed to Maine with Me and BK- and took our 100's of honeymoon pics- and beautiful pics they are to see.

Oh...I am sad. Is it silly to be so sad over a camera?

Perhaps it is a sign...to buy a new lens for my digi SLR and take non lazy photos. Perhaps it means go buy film and return to the art of developing. Perhaps it is a sign to not be so attached to materials...

I just want it back...sigh...

Oh...I miss it...It lived a good life.

Good Answer, thank you.

This weekend I did something I have not done in a very long time- I bought a fashion magazine, specifically Elle.

I read it nearly cover to cover and was surprised at how much I enjoyed it and in some ways felt I had missed out on something these past few years (I read it often during High School, but somewhere decided fashion mags were evil and stopped). It not only gives me fun pictures to look at of cool new clothes, but also informs about lots of other art- like plays and books and movies, and informs me about anything from the truth about breast implants to the uses of marijuana in the treatment of anxiety.

I enjoyed it because it helped me feel informed. I do, I do enjoy that. I was exposed to multiple books I would like to add to my "To Read List." I enjoyed reading that in the soon to be summer hit, "Pineapple Express" James Franco steals the show. I also enjoyed looking at the shocking purple eye shadow and wishing I could pull that off just once.

I am a girl- right down to it. I enjoy clothes, and make up, and pretty things. I enjoy reading about Mary Kate Olsen and her latest successful creations.

Now- onto more specific things. Breast implants. I was educated that the decision to have breast implants is a decision to risk having surgery on your breasts several times. Lots of things can happen that require adjusting, repairing, replacing, etc. I was glad that a magazine chose to inform women of the risks in an informative and impartial article.

It got me thinking- would I ever have plastic surgery? I do not think I would. But I discussed the issue with BK on the car ride home and was then informed of an older women that I have met with who has breast implants- and I never knew! It was a very shocking revelation for me because I never would have guessed that this woman would make that choice.

Is plastic surgery wrong? Is it any different to choose to enlarge your breasts, change your nose, your butt, thighs, etc from wanting to replace glasses with contact lenses, dying your hair, etc? Isn't kind of the same- or do you tink it is different?

Another one of those questions where I wonder if I should even bother looking for an answer. Maybe it does not even matter.

When you get down you...

What do you do when you get down? I suppose it may depend on the type of "down."

Yesterday I felt weird and sad and could not shake it. I did not know why I felt that way or how to get rid of it. Today I feel loads better, but I still feel like I need something to shake my system up a little.

I've decided that what I need is a good long fast car ride through the curvy, hilly, scenic roads of MD with the windows down and loud loud loud music in my ears and all around.

Yeah...that would be sweet right about now. Too bad I am in Philly and the car is in Harrisburg.

I miss my old car....good old whitey ford. I wish it was still with me.

The summer is here and there are many birthdays to celebrate!

My idea of summer has been evolving since I reached adulthood. It is no longer what it used to be, and I am not really sure what that means.

I have not felt like writing on here...not sure what to write. I have felt like everything I write is boring and shallow. SO...here is some more boring and shallow news!!

I have not been working a ton. I am trying to keep busy in the home so I do not go crazy. BK and I got more living room furniture and it has made a big improvement. We got two bookshelves and a tv stand. Now our living room is almost complete. It still needs: an area rug, window treatments, a floor lamp, and some art for the walls. I think we may be able to finish the living room for good (except maybe the art) in the next couple weeks. At that point I can look to the dining room. I am slowly making a grown up home!

In other news- I have a birthday coming up and that day also has new meaning this year. It marks exactly 1 year since BK and I got engaged. It is surreal- to say the least. I think to celebrate we are going to take a day trip to the beach. It will be appropriate seeing as how last year on that day I went to the beach without him. I am looking forward to the day. We have not been to the beach together in many years- which is unfortunate and must change.

In other news- I was recently notified of a Rita's location just around the corner from my house. This is very exciting and will greatly increase the amount of water ice (I've become a Philadelphian and will from this point on refer to it as such) I consume this summer.

That is all.

POST #112

It has been a long few days....

I do not want to share about that now. Instead I only want to complain. Ugh...I just got a twang of guilt about complaining while knowing I should not....crap I hate when I feel the urge to do better when I so want to do wrong.

Basically I hate the location of my desk at this office. It is not a big deal...I am only here for a few days...and almost done.

The next few days will consist of the following:
Today- sleeping in, half day work, wrap party
Tomorrow- half day work, cleaning house, running errands at Target
Friday- GO HOME TO CELEBRATE EEK'S GRAD AND PARTY PARTY PARTY.

As you may be able to tell I am very much hoping for the next two days to go by quickly and then enjoy the weekend.

I am pretty excited to go home and have fun.

Ugh. I can smell someone's stinky lunch and it makes me want to vomit. I hate being seated here.

This is me.

I am starting to think that there are certain things about me that I just have to face up to and accept.

I'll never be good at sports. I'll never be the type of girl who wakes up at 6am every morning to go running, and then after a quick shower enjoys a cup of coffee over my bible on the back porch. I'll never be good at moving into a new home and making it feel like a home in less than at least 8 months to a year.

I am slow at a lot of things. I like sleeping in late.

Are there things I just let be or things I say- NO- this is wrong- i need to work on that?

i was thinking about how people change over time. I found an old letter i wrote to BK on our two year anniversary of dating. In the letter I recalled how much we had grown and changed during those two years. It is now years from then and we've changed even more.

There are things that used to bother me about BK that no longer do, and vice versa. Mostly- i think- because our annoying habits come and go. He smokes. I used to be okay with it- i am no longer okay with it. It will pass.

Life is a series of phases- and I have come to accept that in me especially. currently I enjoy the color purple, plaids, preppy clothes, and the bands eisley and the new frontiers.

Next week I may decide to love Orange again.

But I have always been me and will always be me. I can try and improve my weaker character traits, but I cannot change who God made me. I wouldn't want to- he's way better at creating people than I could ever be.

Rejoice

Two college friends got engaged last night. Not two separate engagements- engaged to one another. It makes me happy.

I love marriage and can not recommend the idea enough. It is just about the best and hardest thing I have ever done.

Work.

Last night the subject of NES being a midwife came up again. I was saying how I still would love to document a childbirth on film. THEN! I told her that could be our business. It would be the pregnancy experience. She'd birth the baby and I would document it with photos and film. And she could do a plaster mold too. Kimbo says Esther will birth her first baby. I do not
know if I can say the same...that might make me a little uncomfortable. (inside joke! hehe!)

Babies.

Kimbo pointed out that the dress we picked for the bridesmaids in MS's wedding would still look nice on a pregnant woman. Then she eyed me and HL.

I do not plan on getting pregnant any time soon, but I can say that my heart has warmed to the matter. I have been thinking about it a lot actually. I have been re reading the book "Real Sex" by Lauren Winner. There is a section in the book where she discusses the idea of birth control and how it relates to sex and our thinking of it.

"...if contraception invites us to be carefree, it also encourages us to be people who think we can control and schedule everything...And, most important, it invites us to be people who have utterly separated sex from procreation"

The book does not say birth control is flat out wrong. It just points out some of the effects- which at least in my case were spot on. You cannot think of one without the other- and I had been doing just that. To think about them together again has changed some of my feelings.

POST #109

I need to be careful or I will turn into a unemployed bum again.

I've almost failed today. I slept in til 12:30pm. I cam out into the living room with a bowl of cereal and plopped down on the sofa. Then I immediatly turned on Hot Fuzz (which I fell asleep watching last night) and checked my e-mail.

I need to get up and get stuff done.

so....yeah...

Post # 108

A few things...

#1- I got my hair cut today. This makes me happy because my hair was a sloppy grown out mess and now it is a proper hair cut. It is still short and I still wish it was long.

#2- I had sex last night.

#3- BK and I have been forgetting to put the trash out a lot. The problem when we do this is where to put the smelly stuff. We were putting it on the back porch, but squirrels and such were biting into the bags and spreading the trash all over the porch- not good. I got a trash can for the back porch as a solution that problem. I was excited to fix the problem and excited thatit did not cost money. I took the trash can from work when our office closed this week. Just Wednesday night I put that trash can on our back porch. Then last night what did we forget to do- put out the trash. This morning I said- no problem- and put the trash in the trash can. That was at about 10:45am. At about 2:30pm I step up the porch door to watch the rain and what am I shocked to see:


The f-ing squirrels chewed through my trash can. I am gonna shoot those bitches with my BB gun.

#4 A couple years ago- I think at some point during my junior or senior year of college I had a change of heart about my fashion. It was when I first began to fall in love with J.Crew and wish that my closet was a j.crew store. I wanted to dress like a prep. I wanted it to be my"look." The venture- although approached with some enthusiasm- did not succeed. I was too poor and too scrubby dirty starved student to make it work. THEN! Lately I have decided to slowly re build my wardrobe. Most of my clothes are years old since I have been poor for some time. It has been a long time since I spend a significant amount of money on new clothes. So- it was discussed and approved and it began. THEN! The other night while browsing at target I found a brightly colored polo shirt and it fit so well and felt so good. It has inspired me to take up my quest to dress like a prep again. I draw my inspiration from the noble sport of tennis (i need a tennis skirt and a racket!). It is a hard task. I went to the mall yesterday and found that even traditionally preppy stores are selling 70's inspired bohemian clothes. I need clean lines, well tailored items, and khakis! (eek- I do not know if I can go through with the khakis). So- I have 4 polos- and the quest has begun.

#5- Currently i am listening to the following two albums: Cassadega by Bright Eyes(BK purchase) and Combinations by Eisley (me purchase). I have some itunes and best buy gift cards and would like to purchase more music- please give me some suggestions.

Elizanomics

Did I ever mention that I really enjoyed Iron Man. It was a good time- go check it out.

Poor timing this week...BK's only days off were Tuesday and Wednesday. My only days off were Thursday and Friday. Go figure.

I would like someone out there who studied econmics to give me an economics lesson. Someone who's opinon I trust and value. I feel economics is one of those studies where if someone has a particular/ bias or allegence then they present it differently. I dislike that- because then you have to take everything taught you with a grain of salt.

I was reading in the METRO today about our failing economy. They did a poll of who was to blame for the pooor economy right now. 75% of those polled said Bush. I disliked that- it is not just is fault, right? I am not versed enough in the subject matter to defend that feeling.

It's funny- the gov't is giving us all money so we can go out and spend it b/c our economy needs a boost. Except everyone is freaking out because our economy needs a boost- so they are saving the money. Go figure- right?

It's like- someone spreads a rumor that our economy is bad and then everyone freaks out and stops spending- and then our economy really does go down.

Am I completely wrong?

This is why I want an economics lesson. Can anyone recomend a good book- one that is a good read, not so much a text book.

As for me- I am going to keep spending. My husband made a big purchase the other month, and I am allowed to go spend XXX amount of dollars on clothes this coming month. I don't care what people say- I am going to go buy new clothes.

Go support the economy- see Iron Man!

The past week or so I have had an increasing feeling that life is getting more difficult. I have already thought life is not an easily won game, but now I feel this growing sense that things are slipping. It's like when you see an object rolling off the table and time slows and it is rolling closer and closer to the edge and even though time has seemed to slow down you cannot seem to grab it fast enough and prevent it from falling onto the floor.

That is how I have felt at times. I say this so many times that it has gotten annoying- "There are so many areas in which I would love to improve."

I'm like a broken record- constantly repeating myself. No one is around to pick up the needle and let me et over that scratch and finish the song.

(like my analogies)

I've decided something needs to be done! (I've done that before)