questioning self and feeling bitter against the "system"

At a time in my life I was often asked- What are you studying? Why did you choose that? What are you going to do with that?

I was never quite sure how to answer those questions. Why did I choose my course of study and why did I choose where I studied it.

I am trying to remember. Growing up I changed my answer to "What do you want to do when you grow up?" a number of times. I wanted to be a psychologist- because people said I was a good listener and advice giver. I do not know when that idea ended, perhaps when I realized it meant a PHD, aka many years of school. I wanted to be a chef- because I liked to cook and eat. This ended when I learned that Chef's work nights and weekends and days and all the time. Then I wanted to study business, because it sounded wise and practical and I thought being an entrepreneur was cool. There were many others- I go through a lot of "phases."

Then one day I chose film. I do not remember the day or the reason. I always liked movies and TV- I was saturated with it growing up. My siblings and I often discussed what movies we would make, and when we had a video camera we made them.

I did not do a whole lot of research into "film schools." I do not think I really knew what I was doing. Does any 17 year old really know?

Well I got my rejection letters, and my acceptance letters. It seemed God wanted me in Philadelphia. I went to visit each school in turn. Drexel impressed me more- so I went there. I signed the form that day saying- YES- I will pay you thousands of dollars!

Then I got there and I was a bit intimidated. What did I have to show? What did I want to do?
Why was I studying film?

I do not know if I ever answered that question. I am sure that I came up with something to tell people. Do I know the answer now? Not sure. I think I probably chose to study film because I thought it would mean not working in a cubicle for the rest of my life. Well, my job in the movies currently does not involve sitting in a cubicle, but it does involve sitting at a computer at a desk and using excel a whole lot.

Currently I find myself wanting the things I used to not want. I want to go back to school. I want to keep learning.

I am just not done learning and I enjoy and learn best in a school environment. Why do we ever stop going to school? Why do we have to choose at 17 and younger (if you really want to pick the best school and do all the right stuff to get into said school you have to decide much much younger).

But how can I work and help support myself if I am in school? Oh- the twists of life.

I could ramble on this topic forever- because I am in one of those moods. One of those moods when I question all my decisions and feel itter about the "system" that makes you pick the rest of your life at such a young age and google grad schools and wish I was doing anything but what I am currently doing.

I will stop here.

Except to say- How can I say I would prefer to be doing other stuff if I am not doing it? It would be one thing to say- I want to switch to a career in photography if I was taking loads of pictures and spending all my free time on it, but I am not. Until I find my time (and NOT just my mind) consumed with something do I really deserve the switch? I think the answer is no. Which is why I must keep battling and follow through on my ideas.

STOP.

The story of a new purchase...

As so sadly revealed a few entries back- my beloved Canon Powershot SD600 died. I explained to BK that although I love the camera it just did not seem worth it to me to pay $100.00 to repair it when I can buy a newer model for $200-$300. We discussed it and decided that now was not the best time to buy a replacement since work has been scarce for me this summer and expenses were high last month. So I have decided to wait...

I have decided to take this as a sign to return to my original photog ways and start using my DSLR more often. So I have once again picked up my Nikon D50 and resolved to learn to love it again. It is good for me to "try" and "think" when taking photos, because that is how I will become a better photographer. With this in mind I wanted to look for a new lens. The lens that came with my D50 is just not that great and I think it may have minor damages- the focus is just not very good. So- I looked around for a good lens that I could afford. I found one I thought was a good lens to add to my kit, as well as a good price. I called BK and explained the purchase and he gave his blessing. I looked at reviews and thought it over. I then consulted my photog friend- the one and only Charlie Shoemaker. Then finally I clicked on "purchase."

Let me introduce my new lens:

It should arrive in 3-5 days, at which time we will get to know one another real well.

I will let the death of my Canon be a blessing. I will stretch myself. It has even made me want to break out my old comfortable friend Pentax SLR.

Rockers to Swallow by Yeah Yeah Yeahs is also the new jam. Down Boy is a close second. Actaully- they tie.

I have a new favorite saying- it goes,

"I'm Lost in the middle of in-between."

I heard the saying in the happy go lucky, musical comedy and all around family film from Disney: The Happiest Millionaire. I netflixed it mainly because it is based upon Anthony J. Drexel Biddle, Sr. and I am super into the Drexel fam right now, but also because I thought I could use a happy go lucky family film. So- really this was the last place I expected to come upon such a saying. Then comes the song from Cordelia Drexel Biddle- where she sings to herself about her inability to understand who she is to be. It's a sweet young 1916 identity crisis. Is she valentine candy or boxing gloves? She is lost in the middle of in between...being a girly girl or girl her father raised?

I love the phrase. It perfectly sums up how I have felt at times recently. I am sure others can relate. I was thinking- that is exactly how I have felt when I was not yet a a place I wanted to be. I have felt lost in between where I have left behind and where I want to go.

It is the new jam- use it.

Paper Planes by M.I.A is the new jam.

It is a lovely day outside. I am enjoying my porch- which by the way has a new and improved table and chairs. BK and I have been making a number of home improvements over the past few weeks, but this is our best. We are very proud of the work we did on this...including stripping, replacing all the wood, and painting and apolstering the table top and chairs. It was fun.




Let me show you a little bit of what it took to get this table and chairs to where it was...











We are both very happy with the end result. We have bragged about it to anyone who will look and listen. I also have strung lights...they are pretty. I very much enjoy my porch now- and I welcome any of you friends to come and visit and sit there with me. We can BBQ, read, play cards, or any number of things. Recently we have enjoyed BBQ, and cards.

Goodbye, my sweet one.

My Canon Powershot SD600 just died. I was going to show Daniel pictures I had on the camera from Mitch's wedding. I turned it on and it let out a horrible grinding noise and the beeped 3 times and said, "Lens error, please restart camera." My heart was broken. I tried to restart, and a number of other tactics like removing the battery and trying again. The lens will not go back into the camera. It just grinds and beeps and I cry.

It is not under warrenty so I would have to pay for a repair. I feel if I am going to pay 100 bucks (canon's estimate based on the model number and age) to repair it I might as well pay 200 to buy a new one.

I am sad. Me and that little guy have seen so much together. We've grown into an adult, we've partied, we've laughed, and we've cried. It's seen me get engaged, and then journeyed to Maine with Me and BK- and took our 100's of honeymoon pics- and beautiful pics they are to see.

Oh...I am sad. Is it silly to be so sad over a camera?

Perhaps it is a sign...to buy a new lens for my digi SLR and take non lazy photos. Perhaps it means go buy film and return to the art of developing. Perhaps it is a sign to not be so attached to materials...

I just want it back...sigh...

Oh...I miss it...It lived a good life.