This is me.

I am starting to think that there are certain things about me that I just have to face up to and accept.

I'll never be good at sports. I'll never be the type of girl who wakes up at 6am every morning to go running, and then after a quick shower enjoys a cup of coffee over my bible on the back porch. I'll never be good at moving into a new home and making it feel like a home in less than at least 8 months to a year.

I am slow at a lot of things. I like sleeping in late.

Are there things I just let be or things I say- NO- this is wrong- i need to work on that?

i was thinking about how people change over time. I found an old letter i wrote to BK on our two year anniversary of dating. In the letter I recalled how much we had grown and changed during those two years. It is now years from then and we've changed even more.

There are things that used to bother me about BK that no longer do, and vice versa. Mostly- i think- because our annoying habits come and go. He smokes. I used to be okay with it- i am no longer okay with it. It will pass.

Life is a series of phases- and I have come to accept that in me especially. currently I enjoy the color purple, plaids, preppy clothes, and the bands eisley and the new frontiers.

Next week I may decide to love Orange again.

But I have always been me and will always be me. I can try and improve my weaker character traits, but I cannot change who God made me. I wouldn't want to- he's way better at creating people than I could ever be.

Rejoice

Two college friends got engaged last night. Not two separate engagements- engaged to one another. It makes me happy.

I love marriage and can not recommend the idea enough. It is just about the best and hardest thing I have ever done.

Work.

Last night the subject of NES being a midwife came up again. I was saying how I still would love to document a childbirth on film. THEN! I told her that could be our business. It would be the pregnancy experience. She'd birth the baby and I would document it with photos and film. And she could do a plaster mold too. Kimbo says Esther will birth her first baby. I do not
know if I can say the same...that might make me a little uncomfortable. (inside joke! hehe!)

Babies.

Kimbo pointed out that the dress we picked for the bridesmaids in MS's wedding would still look nice on a pregnant woman. Then she eyed me and HL.

I do not plan on getting pregnant any time soon, but I can say that my heart has warmed to the matter. I have been thinking about it a lot actually. I have been re reading the book "Real Sex" by Lauren Winner. There is a section in the book where she discusses the idea of birth control and how it relates to sex and our thinking of it.

"...if contraception invites us to be carefree, it also encourages us to be people who think we can control and schedule everything...And, most important, it invites us to be people who have utterly separated sex from procreation"

The book does not say birth control is flat out wrong. It just points out some of the effects- which at least in my case were spot on. You cannot think of one without the other- and I had been doing just that. To think about them together again has changed some of my feelings.

POST #109

I need to be careful or I will turn into a unemployed bum again.

I've almost failed today. I slept in til 12:30pm. I cam out into the living room with a bowl of cereal and plopped down on the sofa. Then I immediatly turned on Hot Fuzz (which I fell asleep watching last night) and checked my e-mail.

I need to get up and get stuff done.

so....yeah...

Post # 108

A few things...

#1- I got my hair cut today. This makes me happy because my hair was a sloppy grown out mess and now it is a proper hair cut. It is still short and I still wish it was long.

#2- I had sex last night.

#3- BK and I have been forgetting to put the trash out a lot. The problem when we do this is where to put the smelly stuff. We were putting it on the back porch, but squirrels and such were biting into the bags and spreading the trash all over the porch- not good. I got a trash can for the back porch as a solution that problem. I was excited to fix the problem and excited thatit did not cost money. I took the trash can from work when our office closed this week. Just Wednesday night I put that trash can on our back porch. Then last night what did we forget to do- put out the trash. This morning I said- no problem- and put the trash in the trash can. That was at about 10:45am. At about 2:30pm I step up the porch door to watch the rain and what am I shocked to see:


The f-ing squirrels chewed through my trash can. I am gonna shoot those bitches with my BB gun.

#4 A couple years ago- I think at some point during my junior or senior year of college I had a change of heart about my fashion. It was when I first began to fall in love with J.Crew and wish that my closet was a j.crew store. I wanted to dress like a prep. I wanted it to be my"look." The venture- although approached with some enthusiasm- did not succeed. I was too poor and too scrubby dirty starved student to make it work. THEN! Lately I have decided to slowly re build my wardrobe. Most of my clothes are years old since I have been poor for some time. It has been a long time since I spend a significant amount of money on new clothes. So- it was discussed and approved and it began. THEN! The other night while browsing at target I found a brightly colored polo shirt and it fit so well and felt so good. It has inspired me to take up my quest to dress like a prep again. I draw my inspiration from the noble sport of tennis (i need a tennis skirt and a racket!). It is a hard task. I went to the mall yesterday and found that even traditionally preppy stores are selling 70's inspired bohemian clothes. I need clean lines, well tailored items, and khakis! (eek- I do not know if I can go through with the khakis). So- I have 4 polos- and the quest has begun.

#5- Currently i am listening to the following two albums: Cassadega by Bright Eyes(BK purchase) and Combinations by Eisley (me purchase). I have some itunes and best buy gift cards and would like to purchase more music- please give me some suggestions.

Elizanomics

Did I ever mention that I really enjoyed Iron Man. It was a good time- go check it out.

Poor timing this week...BK's only days off were Tuesday and Wednesday. My only days off were Thursday and Friday. Go figure.

I would like someone out there who studied econmics to give me an economics lesson. Someone who's opinon I trust and value. I feel economics is one of those studies where if someone has a particular/ bias or allegence then they present it differently. I dislike that- because then you have to take everything taught you with a grain of salt.

I was reading in the METRO today about our failing economy. They did a poll of who was to blame for the pooor economy right now. 75% of those polled said Bush. I disliked that- it is not just is fault, right? I am not versed enough in the subject matter to defend that feeling.

It's funny- the gov't is giving us all money so we can go out and spend it b/c our economy needs a boost. Except everyone is freaking out because our economy needs a boost- so they are saving the money. Go figure- right?

It's like- someone spreads a rumor that our economy is bad and then everyone freaks out and stops spending- and then our economy really does go down.

Am I completely wrong?

This is why I want an economics lesson. Can anyone recomend a good book- one that is a good read, not so much a text book.

As for me- I am going to keep spending. My husband made a big purchase the other month, and I am allowed to go spend XXX amount of dollars on clothes this coming month. I don't care what people say- I am going to go buy new clothes.

Go support the economy- see Iron Man!

The past week or so I have had an increasing feeling that life is getting more difficult. I have already thought life is not an easily won game, but now I feel this growing sense that things are slipping. It's like when you see an object rolling off the table and time slows and it is rolling closer and closer to the edge and even though time has seemed to slow down you cannot seem to grab it fast enough and prevent it from falling onto the floor.

That is how I have felt at times. I say this so many times that it has gotten annoying- "There are so many areas in which I would love to improve."

I'm like a broken record- constantly repeating myself. No one is around to pick up the needle and let me et over that scratch and finish the song.

(like my analogies)

I've decided something needs to be done! (I've done that before)