Joel, is a different set of problems any better or worse?

I just finished reading the classic, 1984 by George Orwell. I had mixed feelings about it, but overall it was a good read. If you have not read it yet- it might not hurt to add it to your list of future reads. It was a book that prompted me to think critically about other things- which is probably what I most liked.

For those who may not know- it was written in the late 1940's- looking into the future- the year 1984. It made me think- what did people living in the 1940's really think the year 1984 would look like? I always wonder if books, movies, etc that are based in a future time are a serious thought as to what the year will be. I do not think Orwell was serious in thinking 1984 would like what he depicted. I think it was more of a tool to express a particular view. I did wonder, however, if anyone reading the book when it was first published in 1949 took it seriously. Then I began thinking about what life was like for someone then and what that would prompt them to think for the future.

I always think that living back in the 1920's - 1940's must have been awesome. But I thought about it yesterday and I don't think so...

The "greatest generation" as they were often called lived trough a rough period in history. They lived through world wars that effected each part of their day to day life. They lived through the depression. They witnessed the invention of television and so much more. What did they think the future would hold? Were they scared that the world would always be at war? Why not- the majority of their lives thus far were full of war.

I am living during a war. Right now- there is a war happening. I know people who have been overseas and fought in the war. Right now- my brother faces a near future where he will be shipped overseas and join that war. Do I feel my day to day life is effected by this war? Honestly- NO. I sometimes go days or weeks without thinking about it.

So the question I asked myself was...Am I spoiled? What do I have to fear? What great tragedy have I lived through? Now I am not forgetting the war in Iraq, the gulf war, 9-11, Oklahoma city, the first time the World Trade center was bombed, etc. But really- what have we had to overcome that the generations before us did not?

This is all just speculative thought currently floating through my mind. I am not really drawing any major conclusions....just thinking.

I think I want to get more books to read that will prompt me to think about this sort of thing. It will help me not to think about the fact that I am getting depressed over work.

Okay- back to writing my rudely late Thank you notes for wedding gifts...


The End.

Joel, God does not turn on the lights, but he does show us the light switch.

I am happy. As much as I feel "down" at times, ultimately I am happy. I need to get better at living that way. When I am dumb and feel sad I need to just kick myself and say- are you kidding!? Shut your mouth! You're blessed!

I recall the Bernstein Bears book with this such lesson. Children's books were full of good life lessons that were at times hard for my child brain to understand. Although my adult brain may understand the lessons it still has trouble applying them. I suppose that is the difference between knowledge and wisdom.

Lately I have wanted knowledge. I have felt a desire to know more. But what will that get me? More questions?

I should want wisdom so that I may understand the little I do know.

I suppose it is a balance....like so many things.

Their is a balance I have yet to find where I realize all the negative things about me but do not feel negative. Where I embrace myself for who I am and do not try to be something else, but at the same time I desperately try to be the person God needs me to be and wants me to be- for my own good and the good of his kingdom. It is a selflessness and an eagerness I hope to never achieve yet always hope to attempt to achieve. Does that make sense? I suppose what I am trying to say is that I must understand that I will never understand it all and never get it right, but while embracing that never ever give up trying. Right now I'm not trying, but I want to be. I suppose that is a good first step.

Joel, nothing can compare to the warmth of a fireplace.

It is quite cold in our apartment. We are not sure if it is just SOOOO cold outside (18') that our heat cannot fight it, or if the heat is in fact broken...again.

It is freezing outside. I need to go run errands but I do not want to brave the elements. It is days like these when I wish there were heated tunnels all over the city so we did not have to brave the cold.

If I was in college today I'd be skipping class.

Joel, why do it twice when you can do it once.

SO I was supposed to have a lovely relaxing day off today, but instead I had to re-do everything I did yesterday. This has made me extremely cranky.

This is why complete communication is so essential. BLAH.

Joel, I'm about to blow my stack.

I had a job interview today. It was short notice, and I was nervous. Going into the interview I was not sure whether or not I wanted the job. Now that I have had the interview and thought about it a little more I kind of do want the job. I think a part of it is my competitive nature. I know they are interviewing a few other people. I do not know who these other people are or whether or not they are in fact better qualified for the job than I am but it makes me feel crazy competitive. I don't like when other people are better at stuff than me.

BK's guitar hero arrived today. But apparently it does not work with our computers. this makes us very sad. I guess we'll just have to go buy a new computer.

Joel, where is your hope hidden. Can you find it?

last night i re read psalm 25 and remembered that time i did something.

the end.

Joel, laughter sometimes keeps us from crying.

A funny thing happened just now which although embarrassing I will share with you in full.

BK was in the bedroom getting ready to go out and meet up with a friend. I was reading in the living room and thinking how I wanted to go kiss my husband and have him stay with me instead of go meet his friend. I went into the bedroom as he was walking out. I pulled him back in and gave him quite a look. Then with thoughts of passionate kissing in my head I pushed him onto our bed. As soon as he hit the bed the bed crashed to the floor. The side beam cracked from end to end and fell of the screws holding it to the end beam. I fell to my knees on the floor- laughing. I was laughing so I did not cry. I would cry out of embarrassment, because my plan was ruined, and out of frustration that our bed- only a few months in use has already broken. Ben surveyed the damage and asked, "How much did this bed cost."

He will be visiting Home Depot to buy a few things to repair the damage. I was trying to kiss my husband and show him I loved him and all I did was create more work for him.

Such is life. Such is the blasted frustration with trying to find affordable, quality furniture.

I knew that bad was bad news. I knew it was on the verge of breaking.

Oh well. It makes a good story. Perhaps I could contact the manufacturer and tell him that his bed is not newlywed approved and he ought to send us a better bed- for FREE!

Joel, the writers are still on strike.

We have a sofa. Two lovely men dropped it off today around 10:45am. Now we just need....so many other things.

I think I like our sofa. It fits two people spooning very well, and would fit a friend who wants to sleepover very nice too.

So...come visit. There will now be a place for you to sit.

Joel, trouble is trouble.

This thing always happens and I am not quite sure what to make of it....

Quite often when I am out of work and find myself with a lot of free time on my hands I find myself depressed. I begin to think of all the woes in life. I feel overwhelmed with how much there is to do. I feel that there are so many areas I can improve and feel daunted at the task of improving. I feel very uncomfortable and discontent and I wonder if I have ever truly felt uncomfortable with myself.

Now...do I feel this way during these times because I am out of work and my concerns and worry over the next job overwhelm me to the point of doubting everything else in my life. OR do I feel this way during these times because when I am working I am too distracted to notice all the trouble.

Do you understand my question? I wonder how work truly relates to the feelings. Is work simly a distraction, or does it give me meaning? I don't want work to be the one thing in life that gives me meaning and happiness.

I would like to be comfortable with myself. I would like to be secure in my insecurities.

I love my husband. I very much enjoy being married to him.

Joel, life is not a series of switches but rather a series of moves.

New Years has come and gone and nothing feels different. No matter how many times I tell myself that holidays, special occasions, and the like bring no change I cannot get my mind to work with that truth. Why do we make New Years resolutions? If something is wrong why not change it today as opposed to waiting for a special occasion?

BK's 24th birthday is in a couple days. I asked him today, "What did you think your life would be like at age 24 when you were 20, or 16? What is different from what you expected?" It is hard to answer that question because when we look back it is sometimes hard to remember what we thought in the past without the bias of the present. He thought the biggest difference was that he thought he would be playing music in a band.

I tried to answer the question for myself. I think my ideas of the future have never been very concrete. I've never thought- at this age I'll have this job or have reached this goal. Rather I've thought I would have reached a certain security, or status, or contentment.

I do not think I will ever meet those expectations. Nor should I or want to meet them. BUt I have trouble shaking them from my mind.

I get frustrated sometimes with the unknown. I have trouble letting go and just living.

I am an onion. BK knows me better than anyone else. I often am convinced he knows me better than I know myself. He said the other day that he did not think he was done getting to know me. I have many "things" that he has yet to learn or understand.

I'm complex.

All this is to say that I am in a strange mood today. I am in the type of mood where I listen to the following two albums:

Jimmy Eat World: Clarity
Dashboard Confessional: So Impossible EP

What does that mean exactly? I'm not sure. I think it means that my mind is both craving the past and the future and fearing and questioning both...all at the same time.

I used to remember the time on the clock when we realized it was so late, but I no longer do. If I could find my old diary I might have written it down. Yes...I'm in one of those moods...the one where you read your old diary.