The end?

I think I should maybe stop this blog.

Most of the time I just want to write depressing posts.

It prevents me from keeping a real journal where Iw rite on real paper.

I do not use it to keep in touch with people like I used to- that's what facebook is for now.

I do not yet feel ready to post things of value.

It lacks purpose. I began it to channel some thoughts when I was planning my wedding- and I've been married a whole year already.

I cannot write anything meaningful because I have come to fear who may find it.

Yes. I think I may stop.

I will let the idea sit for a little while and see what happens.

My blog was too depressing, so I updated.

I want to be a morning person.
I want to be a runner.
I want to be a lot of things.

I am currently enjoying yoga- and trying to make it my own.

I am currently enjoying photography and trying to improve.

I have too short an attention span and lack perseverance and endurance. I would like to improve upon these matters.

Back to Reality

This past week and a half were exhausting, but wonderful. I felt many wonderful things. Camping with my husband was awesome. Monica and Bill's wedding was spectacular and I am so happy for them.

Today it was back to Philadelphia and back to reality. I have a job interview in about 45 minutes. I have yet to do anything to prepare except have sex with my husband. How was that preperation? Well- it helped cheer me up a bit. Earlier today I recieved an e-mail that put me in a very bad mood. I wrote someone about a job and they replied, "I'm ALWAYS looking out for you. My BIG boss from LA wanted a seasoned, grade A secretary..." I was not hired- so what they were saying is I am always looking out for you but my boss wanted this and since I did not ask you- that must not be you. What am I- a piece of steak? Those dots were included in the e-mail. What does that man? I suppose if I was not chosen then I must not be grade A. Does anyone else find this a terribly insensitive thing to say? It hurt my feelings a lot and I am truly unsure how to respond. I know this may seem confusing if you are not me...I am just venting.

I am trying to shake the depressed feeling of rejection before I go to this interview. My self esteem is wounded. If I am rejected at this interview I don't know what I'll do...probably melt into a puddle.

I am not good at handling rejection.

Go Pirates!

I've been thinking a lot about marriage. This is due to two reasons:

#1 Reason: A good friend is getting married soon.
#2 Reason: I am approaching my one year anniversary.

BK and I are going away for a few days this week to enjoy some time alone together (b/c we need it) and to have some early celebration time for our one year anniversary. I have been thinking about the celebration and wondering how I feel about our marriage one year down the road. It is easy for me to just float through life and not stop to think - "Hey- how are things going?" This is dangerous- because that's how people get divorced. They wake up one day and think- who is this person, do I love them? Life is about constant vigilance! Constant awareness and communication.

In general I have been spending a lot of time processing my current stage in life- love, marriage, career, God, faith- all of it and everything.

I need to attack life- I feel the need for a game plan. I feel the need to research, evaluate, and then create a plan of attack. But is that really how life should be?

I feel like I've been smacked in the face and shouted at: "What do you think!?" With such an aggressive approach I have first cowered in a corner, hidden my face, and tried to avoid the answers. I am slowly crawling out of the corner, standing up and trying to answer.

But I cannot just wait till I have the answer to live- this is something I have struggled with for a long time. You cannot sit and wait for the answer to live- you just have to live.

There is so much I want to do and learn and fix and try and be and I just am so impatient.

These journal entries never end up how I intend them...

I just wanted to say that for the past month or so I keep looking at that wedding dress hanging in the closet and wanting to try it on again. I would put it on- stand in front of my mirror and for a second I could turn my mind back one year and wonder- if I did it all again- would I change a single thing?

That gives me a good idea....

Our bed broke for a second time. note to self: advise newleyweds to invest in sturdy bed.

I am feeling a little bit depressed. It happens from time to time...usually when I am not working steadily. It also usually happens when I think to much. I was talking to BK about it last night and he said that you cannot let thoughts stir in your head too long. You have to either think it and then take action or think it and dismiss it. I do not know if that is true, but I do know that often I personally need to think and then take action. Usually my depression comes from a discontentment or dissatisfaction with a particular something. If this is the case- I need to address the issue head on and then be done with it. Trouble is that somethings take time to address and I am also impatient.

Right now I am feeling really depressed about a job I am doing the next couple days. For various reasons the job and why I am doing the job is really bothering me. I just keep feeling so angry. I am trying to remind myself the job is only for two days.

I am trying to just think- get through these two days and then you get to come home and go to the party Friday night...friends at a party...fun...celebration...friends...love. Then I remind myself that this time next week BK will begin one week and a half of NO WORK! This is extremely exciting because we have not had a solid amount of time alone in SOOOO long. We are going to have a couple days in Philly to enjoy. I might convince him to go to yoga with me once. Maybe we will go shopping, maybe we will just sit around and relax. Maybe we just stay in bed all day. Then we are going to go to MD and head out with his fam to visit his sister at college. Then we are going to go away for our 1 year anniversary (a week or two early). We are going to camp- and sleep in a tent, and make a fire, and it will be awesome! Then we are going to return to MD and it will be time for Monica's wedding!! That is going to one exciting awesome time.

So...see...I just have to get through two stupid days of work and then I get near two weeks of awesome good times.

YES!

Lance Armstrong returns!!!

READ IT HERE!

If he does it- it will be amazing. IF he does not do it, it will be humiliating and disapointing and sad sad sad. He went out on top. If he returns only to go out not on top...well...like I said...

Lance Armstrong wins his eighth tour in 2009??? We shall see...

It begs the question- why can't people just quit when they are ahead? Interesting discussion to have...

On a Roll...I call this one: "Owen's Story"

I love this little guy...

Flying.

As I may have shared with some people in real life, I have been once again feeling a pull towards photography. But what makes me want to make it a job and not just a hobby? I do not know- so I put myself to the test.

I volunteered to shoot a couples engagement photos. For the most part I very much enjoyed the shoot- spending time with them, getting to know them, directing them. Then came the editing....and boy did I drag myself through that. I am not sure if I just truly hate that part, or if I hate sitting at photoshop, or if I just hate photoshop because I do not know how to use it best to my advantage.

Either way- I am finally done! They are picking up the DVD of images (117) tonight. It was a good experience- I learned a lot from it. I do not know if I want to continue to pursue this kind of thing, but I do want to continue to try and keep learning more.

Here are what I think are my top ten...I think....if you are at all interested in seeing the rest let me know, but really these are the ones worth seeing. Let me know what you think. I gladly accept your worst/ best criticisms.

It's okay to be an ugly mammal

I want to be a sweet photog, but I am terribly impatient with photoshop. I constantly have to take short little breaks.

I have taken a VERY LARGE number of photos in August and am now playing catch up with photoshop.

I think out of the hundreds of photos I have taken this month that this is my favorite...he's just awesome and I love him....

Dad, I think I finally get it, and six years later it rings most true then and now.

"Now it is time to give you wings and kick you off the branch and see how well you fly. Some fly high, some fast, and some fly with style. Both eagles and hummingbirds are beautiful and useful but fly in very different ways. Neither can do what the other can do. Then there is the bat- an ugly mammal but able to fly with great style."

A new kind of work week

I find this article interesting. I hope that those effected, and the community are able to make the adjustment and find benefit in it the new hours. I think it is a fantastic idea. I wonder if it succeeds if other states will follow Utah's lead.

Keep an eye on that.

Do you Do you like dreaming of things so impossible or only the practical?

The Olympics are freakin awesome and I love them. I should add to my list of dreams- attending the Olympics. Next time they come to the US of A I am going to go!

I love all the dramatic video packages, and the back stories, and the close finishes, and the medal ceremonies, and the tears.

In the qualifying round of Womens Gymnastics one of the Chinese girls fell of the uneven bars and when she was done she came down and she was crying, and her team came to support her and it was so touching. It was a heartbreaking and touching Olympic Moment.



P.S. I still love listening to old Dashboard Confessional.

Overflowing.

The past two weeks have been full. I have been in a car for a total of about 24 hours, I have seen many people I love, and I have taken loads of pictures- although not as many as I should have.

I feel a new energy building inside me. I feel a bit recharged, motivated, and I feel an excitement of opportunity.

I am resisting the urge to recount every detail here. Instead- some thoughts and highlights in bullet points.

1. The Dark Knight is a fantastic movie, nay a fantastic piece of cinema- worth seeing on both a normal size movie screen and IMAX.

2. Love is amazing and I miss feeling it in overwhelming abundance.

3. I enjoy taking pictures- and am sad when they are not amazing. I want to get better so that I can take amazing pictures.

4. I love my family. For better or worse- I love them so much it hurts.

5. It is dangerous to over think life- you miss out on living it. I need to stop flirting with danger and start falling in love with life.

6. Happiness in work may be achieved if only we have two jobs- more variety.

7. Kimberly Rush is pretty and I hope we continue to be friends for a long time- so that at the age of 50 we may still tell people, "We've been friends since the womb."

8. Wasps can and will sting you through clothing. The sting may grow up to four inches wide and turn red and purple.

9. I do not tan- I freckle and burn. When I am lucky the redness fades and takes on a nice tan like color.

10. I am surrounded by so much thought, so much wisdom, so much life, so much to learn, to appreciate, to love. I want to grow- and I want to process it with my best friend. His name is Benjamin and I have not seen him in two weeks. I will go to sleep tonight and a few hours later- in the wee hours of the morning he will return to me. He will come home- kneel down beside our bed- brush my hair away from my face and kiss me. I will stir, wake to see him, and smile. Then our hectic life will continue- but for a change I will have work and we will both be sleeping in our bed. Atleast for this week...

11. I am thankful. I do not show it enough, or share it enough, or thank God enough.

12. I can drink girly drinks, but I prefer beer. Good ol beer. I enjoy sharing a beer with someone who also enjoys it.

that's enough for now.

questioning self and feeling bitter against the "system"

At a time in my life I was often asked- What are you studying? Why did you choose that? What are you going to do with that?

I was never quite sure how to answer those questions. Why did I choose my course of study and why did I choose where I studied it.

I am trying to remember. Growing up I changed my answer to "What do you want to do when you grow up?" a number of times. I wanted to be a psychologist- because people said I was a good listener and advice giver. I do not know when that idea ended, perhaps when I realized it meant a PHD, aka many years of school. I wanted to be a chef- because I liked to cook and eat. This ended when I learned that Chef's work nights and weekends and days and all the time. Then I wanted to study business, because it sounded wise and practical and I thought being an entrepreneur was cool. There were many others- I go through a lot of "phases."

Then one day I chose film. I do not remember the day or the reason. I always liked movies and TV- I was saturated with it growing up. My siblings and I often discussed what movies we would make, and when we had a video camera we made them.

I did not do a whole lot of research into "film schools." I do not think I really knew what I was doing. Does any 17 year old really know?

Well I got my rejection letters, and my acceptance letters. It seemed God wanted me in Philadelphia. I went to visit each school in turn. Drexel impressed me more- so I went there. I signed the form that day saying- YES- I will pay you thousands of dollars!

Then I got there and I was a bit intimidated. What did I have to show? What did I want to do?
Why was I studying film?

I do not know if I ever answered that question. I am sure that I came up with something to tell people. Do I know the answer now? Not sure. I think I probably chose to study film because I thought it would mean not working in a cubicle for the rest of my life. Well, my job in the movies currently does not involve sitting in a cubicle, but it does involve sitting at a computer at a desk and using excel a whole lot.

Currently I find myself wanting the things I used to not want. I want to go back to school. I want to keep learning.

I am just not done learning and I enjoy and learn best in a school environment. Why do we ever stop going to school? Why do we have to choose at 17 and younger (if you really want to pick the best school and do all the right stuff to get into said school you have to decide much much younger).

But how can I work and help support myself if I am in school? Oh- the twists of life.

I could ramble on this topic forever- because I am in one of those moods. One of those moods when I question all my decisions and feel itter about the "system" that makes you pick the rest of your life at such a young age and google grad schools and wish I was doing anything but what I am currently doing.

I will stop here.

Except to say- How can I say I would prefer to be doing other stuff if I am not doing it? It would be one thing to say- I want to switch to a career in photography if I was taking loads of pictures and spending all my free time on it, but I am not. Until I find my time (and NOT just my mind) consumed with something do I really deserve the switch? I think the answer is no. Which is why I must keep battling and follow through on my ideas.

STOP.

The story of a new purchase...

As so sadly revealed a few entries back- my beloved Canon Powershot SD600 died. I explained to BK that although I love the camera it just did not seem worth it to me to pay $100.00 to repair it when I can buy a newer model for $200-$300. We discussed it and decided that now was not the best time to buy a replacement since work has been scarce for me this summer and expenses were high last month. So I have decided to wait...

I have decided to take this as a sign to return to my original photog ways and start using my DSLR more often. So I have once again picked up my Nikon D50 and resolved to learn to love it again. It is good for me to "try" and "think" when taking photos, because that is how I will become a better photographer. With this in mind I wanted to look for a new lens. The lens that came with my D50 is just not that great and I think it may have minor damages- the focus is just not very good. So- I looked around for a good lens that I could afford. I found one I thought was a good lens to add to my kit, as well as a good price. I called BK and explained the purchase and he gave his blessing. I looked at reviews and thought it over. I then consulted my photog friend- the one and only Charlie Shoemaker. Then finally I clicked on "purchase."

Let me introduce my new lens:

It should arrive in 3-5 days, at which time we will get to know one another real well.

I will let the death of my Canon be a blessing. I will stretch myself. It has even made me want to break out my old comfortable friend Pentax SLR.

Rockers to Swallow by Yeah Yeah Yeahs is also the new jam. Down Boy is a close second. Actaully- they tie.

I have a new favorite saying- it goes,

"I'm Lost in the middle of in-between."

I heard the saying in the happy go lucky, musical comedy and all around family film from Disney: The Happiest Millionaire. I netflixed it mainly because it is based upon Anthony J. Drexel Biddle, Sr. and I am super into the Drexel fam right now, but also because I thought I could use a happy go lucky family film. So- really this was the last place I expected to come upon such a saying. Then comes the song from Cordelia Drexel Biddle- where she sings to herself about her inability to understand who she is to be. It's a sweet young 1916 identity crisis. Is she valentine candy or boxing gloves? She is lost in the middle of in between...being a girly girl or girl her father raised?

I love the phrase. It perfectly sums up how I have felt at times recently. I am sure others can relate. I was thinking- that is exactly how I have felt when I was not yet a a place I wanted to be. I have felt lost in between where I have left behind and where I want to go.

It is the new jam- use it.

Paper Planes by M.I.A is the new jam.

It is a lovely day outside. I am enjoying my porch- which by the way has a new and improved table and chairs. BK and I have been making a number of home improvements over the past few weeks, but this is our best. We are very proud of the work we did on this...including stripping, replacing all the wood, and painting and apolstering the table top and chairs. It was fun.




Let me show you a little bit of what it took to get this table and chairs to where it was...











We are both very happy with the end result. We have bragged about it to anyone who will look and listen. I also have strung lights...they are pretty. I very much enjoy my porch now- and I welcome any of you friends to come and visit and sit there with me. We can BBQ, read, play cards, or any number of things. Recently we have enjoyed BBQ, and cards.

Goodbye, my sweet one.

My Canon Powershot SD600 just died. I was going to show Daniel pictures I had on the camera from Mitch's wedding. I turned it on and it let out a horrible grinding noise and the beeped 3 times and said, "Lens error, please restart camera." My heart was broken. I tried to restart, and a number of other tactics like removing the battery and trying again. The lens will not go back into the camera. It just grinds and beeps and I cry.

It is not under warrenty so I would have to pay for a repair. I feel if I am going to pay 100 bucks (canon's estimate based on the model number and age) to repair it I might as well pay 200 to buy a new one.

I am sad. Me and that little guy have seen so much together. We've grown into an adult, we've partied, we've laughed, and we've cried. It's seen me get engaged, and then journeyed to Maine with Me and BK- and took our 100's of honeymoon pics- and beautiful pics they are to see.

Oh...I am sad. Is it silly to be so sad over a camera?

Perhaps it is a sign...to buy a new lens for my digi SLR and take non lazy photos. Perhaps it means go buy film and return to the art of developing. Perhaps it is a sign to not be so attached to materials...

I just want it back...sigh...

Oh...I miss it...It lived a good life.

Good Answer, thank you.

This weekend I did something I have not done in a very long time- I bought a fashion magazine, specifically Elle.

I read it nearly cover to cover and was surprised at how much I enjoyed it and in some ways felt I had missed out on something these past few years (I read it often during High School, but somewhere decided fashion mags were evil and stopped). It not only gives me fun pictures to look at of cool new clothes, but also informs about lots of other art- like plays and books and movies, and informs me about anything from the truth about breast implants to the uses of marijuana in the treatment of anxiety.

I enjoyed it because it helped me feel informed. I do, I do enjoy that. I was exposed to multiple books I would like to add to my "To Read List." I enjoyed reading that in the soon to be summer hit, "Pineapple Express" James Franco steals the show. I also enjoyed looking at the shocking purple eye shadow and wishing I could pull that off just once.

I am a girl- right down to it. I enjoy clothes, and make up, and pretty things. I enjoy reading about Mary Kate Olsen and her latest successful creations.

Now- onto more specific things. Breast implants. I was educated that the decision to have breast implants is a decision to risk having surgery on your breasts several times. Lots of things can happen that require adjusting, repairing, replacing, etc. I was glad that a magazine chose to inform women of the risks in an informative and impartial article.

It got me thinking- would I ever have plastic surgery? I do not think I would. But I discussed the issue with BK on the car ride home and was then informed of an older women that I have met with who has breast implants- and I never knew! It was a very shocking revelation for me because I never would have guessed that this woman would make that choice.

Is plastic surgery wrong? Is it any different to choose to enlarge your breasts, change your nose, your butt, thighs, etc from wanting to replace glasses with contact lenses, dying your hair, etc? Isn't kind of the same- or do you tink it is different?

Another one of those questions where I wonder if I should even bother looking for an answer. Maybe it does not even matter.

When you get down you...

What do you do when you get down? I suppose it may depend on the type of "down."

Yesterday I felt weird and sad and could not shake it. I did not know why I felt that way or how to get rid of it. Today I feel loads better, but I still feel like I need something to shake my system up a little.

I've decided that what I need is a good long fast car ride through the curvy, hilly, scenic roads of MD with the windows down and loud loud loud music in my ears and all around.

Yeah...that would be sweet right about now. Too bad I am in Philly and the car is in Harrisburg.

I miss my old car....good old whitey ford. I wish it was still with me.