hey...don't forget about me.

I've been busy.

Here are things I am up to:

Transitioning into the new apartment- painting, unpacking, furniture shopping, etc.
Working- atleast 12 hours a day- and I hae to admit that I secretly enjoy this.
Planning the wedding- challenges arise- I face them- I try not to let anything "get me down."
Having a life- seeing friends- seeing my future husband- being a social butterfly.

That may not seem like a lot- but oh it is. It is a ton.

I like my new job- which I have yet to mention...so let me brag.

Yesterday- I shook hands with Paul Dano. He's cute. I have a crush on him.
I am drinking a beer at work. This is not good- since I need to leave soon and drive home. oops.

I suppose it is kinda sorta one of those uber low budget tragically hip indie flicks. Yeah....I'm cool.

I'm also a little buzzed. oops. I must not have eaten enough today- this beer is getting to me. I think also- I am excited to be drinking a beer at work. Something about that is causing all the beer to go to my head.

THE WEDDING!!!!

WEDDING PARTY ANNOUCED!

Best of Men:
Jonathan Charlton
Thomas Kimsey
Joel Blaine

Maids of Honor:
Esther Saigo
Kimberly Rush
Monica Stevens


LOCATION!!!- Tillman's farm in Rock Hall, MD.

Everything....is pretty much yet to be determined.


loves.

i spoke too soon

BCBG called back. the dress does not exist. some how there was some confusion and some vendors some how got some sample photos or something...

the dress does not exist. it is not sold/ available anywhere. this from a very nice women at bcbg corporate.

boo.

oh well. i move on. i keep looking.

tonight is my first night in the new apartment. it is a bit cold, empty, and scary. i tried to lay down to sleep but was too bothered. so i went and retrieved my three stuffed animals and baby blanket. they are now surrounding me in bed. i will sleep soundly with them.

how old am i?



ps-> poop.

Updates...

So...Saks does not have the dress in champagne. So- with that blow I decided to just call BCBG directly. I called- got through- they had the dress in the right color and size- I ordered it- it is on its way. I should have done that ages ago.

Hopefully it will arrive soon and be perfect.

In other news- I think we are going to go ahead with having th wedding at the Tillmans. I just have to call them and accept the offer and firm up the details. There are some kinks to be worked out.

I spent the afternoon pricing out all the "typical" stuff one would need to throw this wedding. I called about a tent, a caterer, tables, chairs, all of that. Turns out- that is a wedding I cannot afford. It would be nice- but not BK and not me.

We just do not feel comfortable with spending 5, 6, 7,000 dollars on the wedding. It is money we do not have and do not want to ask for. You do not need to spend a lot of money to have a good time. All told, we we may still end up spending a couple thousand, but not $7,000.

So....things are going to be set in motion the end of this week. Invites out next Monday??

Here's hoping.

Happy Green.

This weekend was good. I'm tired- but it was good.

I think I may just be tired right up until the wedding- then I can rest. Or perhaps not- maybe life is just non stop tired.

Saturday was spent moving and moving. The new apartment is full of almost all of my stuff and Ben's stuff. The task of unpacking and organizing and learning to combine our belongings will be a long process. But we are both excited.

On Sunday we drove down to what will probably be the location of the wedding. I just have to work out a few details and confirm a few things- then the invites go out! I think it will be nice- as long as the weather holds up!

When we got back to the city we went straight to Home Depot. We managed to get in and pick up the paint for the bedroom and bathroom just before closing. Then we got straight to painting. By 11pm we had the entire bedroom covered in the first coat of a very lovely green.

It was nice to hang out with BK and be working together to accomplish a task for our "new home." I suppose that is what marriage is all about. I am glad we both enjoyed the time- it gives me hope for the future.

BK was off work today so he was going to touch up the bedroom and work on the bathroom. We are going to try and finish those two rooms first- then figure out the office and kitchen/ living/ dining rooms.

Last night when we were rushing through the aisles of Home Depot carrying paint cans I really felt like an adult. It was a nice feeling.

Tonight will be my last night sleeping at the old apartment. It's all happening so fast.

And the saga continues...

So the dress arrived today. I whipped open the box in eager anticipation. There was a lovely garment bag hiding my dress. I gently zipped it open waiting and waiting to see it...

...and it was black.

They sent me the dress I wanted, but in black! Black- the wrong color!

Ugh. I was so disappointed. I checked the slip- yup I definitely ordered the CHAMPAGNE colored dress, NOT the black one. Sigh...

I decided to be optimistic. I would try it on and picture it the opposite color. If I still really like it and it fits then I'll simply exchange it for the correct color dress.

I tried it on and it fit SO well. Almost perfect- may not even need to be taken it at all. It is only a little long- and that would be SO easy to remedy because the lining is not too long- just the tulle. I could cut tulle- there is no seem. SO EASY!

Then I called Saks...

"Yes, correct- I ordered the champagne dress, but the one I have is BLACK." She says, "hmmm." We don't show that we even stock a black version of this dress. She is bewildered. She is concerned that there has been some error between the vendor/ warehouse/ something. Perhaps they advertised one color dress but stocked another- all under the same item number.

AHHH!! No! I was so close!

She has to figure it out- and of course she cannot do so till Monday- when everyone is back at work. So I wait and hope.

Hope.

I really like the dress. It fit. I want it.



I'm moving. Now. Wanna Help/ see the new place? Call me.



OH- and GOOD NEWS ( I think)

Benjamin may have a really sweet job for all of September! I may try to get on the same movie- but I do not know if I can swing it- with the wedding and all. I would have to do wrap and he would not. We'll see...

Whirlwind.

This weekend (HA! The next two months!) is going to be a whirlwind.

Today it was like all of a sudden ten things hit me at once and all of a sudden I was racing to figure it all out. I am almost there.

I think I am just about ready to work hard. Partially- I am out of time to waste. I think I do work best under pressure.

I feel like my time is going to be filled to the absolute maximum. I think I like it that way. I love being full of things to do, people to see, tasks to accomplish.

Today I was looking at my calendar- filling in all the days with stuff till no day was left empty.

Now my phone is going crazy and not working like it should. It does not make me happy- it is brand new! I hope that it is acting poorly only because it is tired and low on battery.

That's it for now.

P.S.-> Monica (and anyone else- check this sweet place out!) the climbing gym is Go Vertical! Ben and I are going to take the class soon and probably become "members." They teach the class every day- but you still have to reserve a spot. It looks like fun!

you do the math.

I've been thinking about getting married. (don't say duh) I've been thinking about it more in the practical sense. The...what is this going to look like sense.

On a day to day basis- what is this going to be like. Who will do the dishes? Who will do the laundry? Who will make dinner? Who will pay the bills? Who will take the trash out?

I suppose I've thought about some of these things before, but I am a little surprised about how much I have not thought about them.

Recently BK has been pointing out the distinction between thinking in hypothetical terms about issues and then thinking in a constructive way to come to an actual real life decision. For the longest time we only allowed ourselves to speak and think in the hypothetical. For once we are not only allowed but must think with the purpose of making a real life decision. We must then take those thoughts and decisions and act upon them.

This is a huge change. There are many adjustments ahead. I'm coming to the conclusion that life will never be "easy." But there may come a time when I have matured enough to take everything that comes my way like it is easy. I yearn for that day. A day when I live life with a joy, contentment, and zeal. What is zeal? I do not know- but I feel it is appropriate there.


I've always said- and hold this to almost always be true- that the state of my bedroom's cleanliness is a direct reflection of my current state of mind. Right now my room is a wreck- I am in the midst of sorting and packing. I suppose what my room is currently reflecting is a willingness to move on but a hesitation to put in the work.

I've had the desire to pack and move some things over to the new apartment by myself some day this week. Once I've moved the boxes in I want to sit amongst the bare walls and packed boxes with my typewriter. I want to pore out things there for myself. More than that I want to write a well deserved letter to a dear friend. He wrote me a beautiful letter some months ago- and I've yet to return the kindness.

There's a lot of work ahead and it starts tomorrow.

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCITEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FOUND THE DRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I posted the link to this dress a few entires back. It was one of many that I saw and liked...

HERE

Over the next few days I kept looking at it and thinking about it. One day I looked at it and thought- this is it. This is the dress. I'm gonna order it. Then to my dismay I discovered it was sold out. I then looked all over the internets for it- everywhere! Tonight I was looking again- on ebay. I found the same dress but a black version for sale on ebay for super cheap. It was exciting...but the wrong color.

Then I decided to search google once more. To my amazement a link at saks popped up. I was intrigued but not very hopeful. I checked saks, and bloomies, and macys. etc just the other day and did not see it. BUT THIS TIME IT WAS THERE!!!!!!

AHH!! RIGHT HERE

I started squealing with glee and joy. Not only was it there but in my size and in stock. SO I jumped at it- and ordered that Puppy. It may arrive as early as the end of this week!

I only hope that I love the dress as much in person and when on my person. I have high hopes for this dress. I think it is the one. Oh- I am so excited! Thank you Lord for answering my cries.

You may think I am being a tad over dramatic. But I've had a terrible couple of weeks and this totally makes up for it and helps re-excite my wedding plans! I was getting so down- but this lifts me up.

Once you have the dress it is much easier to decide the tone of the whole wedding.

oh I cannot wait to try this on- I hope to hope to hope It looks just as good in person.

You have genetics working against you...

I had a bad day today- but it ended well. I'm not going to say anything more just now.

For the past couple weeks the date of the wedding has gone back and forth, back and forth. It's been very frustrating. BK and I had the idea to push it up to a date in September for a few reasons...

1. Since the movie I was supposed to be on till October got shut down it seemed like a good idea to get married sooner so that I could be back on the job market sooner.

2. We saw the approaching realty of having the apartment that we would live together in and not being able to do so yet. It looked like it was going to be difficult to work this out.

3. We just want to get married already. We like each other.


I tried just about every Saturday and Sunday in September and no matter what something came up. Every time I thought I had a date it was painfully robbed away. Last night I thought we had finally settled on the 22nd of September then two things came up that pulled this idea away.

We can't do it the next two weekends after then....so that brings us back to October 13th- the original date. So now I am in the process of triple checking this with everyone.

I pray it holds.

On another note today I started reading two books:

1. The five love languages
2. Intended for pleasure

They are both popular reads for engaged couples. So far I like both books.

I need you so much closer...

I thought about the idea of eloping vs. a wedding. Here are my thoughts...

Although the idea of eloping is in some ways romantic, exciting, adventurous, and oh so tempting it also feels wrong to me. I think it feels wrong because I associate eloping with an unplanned pregnancy or running away because your family does not approve. I could get over those wrong assumptions enforced by culture. Yet, the idea is still not entirely satisfying. I feel that after dating BK for nearly 5 years I want and need something official. I want something special and in a small way- grand. Eloping does not feel like a celebration of commitment and loyalty and a vow to God and each other. I fear eloping would be more about the excitement and the spontaneity. It would be more about the sex. I do not doubt that even if we chose to elope that we would still be committed and it would be special, but it is not what I want.

I want a wedding. I want to celebrate our love, God's love, our commitment, and speak vows for everyone to hear. Perhaps there is a romance in that that I crave. But also- I think I enjoy the idea that we love one another so much that we want to invite everyone to witness us proclaiming that love. We want to make our family and friends apart of that commitment and promise that we make to each other. We want to celebrate the last five years and the many years to come in a special way. I said "we" in those statements because I want "we" to want those things, not just "I."


Now, that is a big step. I've thought it and I've written it down. I believe it to be true. Yet- I have not made a decision on what kind of wedding to have, nor when or where.

BUT I feel a tiny bit closer. I think that I would like to get married as soon as possible, but I want the wedding enough to wait. I'm not sure how to work it out with jobs or anything like that. But I need to stop worrying and just trust that God is listening and working. God provides.

We have our second counseling session tonight. I am not sure how it will go in light of this past week. I don't if they will have any insights into this topic. I have a feeling they would be all for the eloping. But that may be a poor assumption.

This afternoon we are moving some things over to the new apartment. I'm excited about that.

I may have a dress....it needs some work.

So I found this dream wedding place. It is a 25 acre compound on the water in Cambridge, MD. It has five homes- with a total of 22 bedrooms. If your wedding was the right size and your family was close enough and into the idea...you could lodge all of your guests.

You can rent it for a weekend- 3 nights. You get the whole place to yourself. Wouldn't that be so amazing and fun! You get to party and celebrate your wedding for three whole nights! At a beautiful vacation spot- all to yourselves. Did I mention three of the homes have their own docks and swimming pools? They do!

Now of course this dream place comes with a price....

The main house for three night stay- $6,000.
Then add the house next to it- an additional- $2,000.

If you want the whole compound it comes out to $13,000.


Now of course I find out these prices and DO NOT think Oh NO I could never afford to do this or OH NO- that's just crazy. What I start thinking is numbers. I start figuring out how much it is going to cost my guests to stay in a hotel. I wonder if this is a better deal. I could charge my guests to stay here instead- and then they would be helping me to cover the $13,000. I wonder how I can make it work and not feel guilty.

When I told BK about it and got to the $13,000 part he is flabergasted, "$13,000!!! There are people starving and dying in this world! In this country! People spend $13,000 on 25 acres!"

I chirp back, "There are 3 docks, AND THREE SWIMMING POOLS!"

(sidenote: the wedding is in September it will be too cold for swimming pools.)

BK of course then says to me, "I can't even believe you. Where do you come from."


Yeah. That's me. Trying to figure out how to justify 13,000 on a 25 acre compound for a weekend destination wedding.

I can't possibly ask my parents or any other family member for that kind of money. My parents and me are both in debt from college.

I'm not seriously considering this place, but I was struck by how much I wanted to try.

I think there is this conflict inside of me that has been making it hard for me to make a decision about anything involving the wedding. I am caught between a tiny informal inexpensive backyard BBQ and the typical american wedding putting couples into $25,000 debt.

I 'm trying to move more towards the backyard BBQ- and save starving children.

To close a funny Mom moment:

I was on the phone with my Mom discussing the timing of the wedding and pushing it up b/c of my job situation and also so the new apartment is not in a state of transition for an extra month. My Mom could tell I was getting a little sressed and frustrated trying to push up the wedding and coordinate everyone and everything at the last minute. So she says, "Well- you and Ben could always just go do a fun justice of the peace thing so you can live together and then do the wedding later on whenever." I was a little shocked and a little intrigued and then my Mom says, "Your sister Helen just shot me a disapproving look."

Perhaps that moment is only funny to me because I know my Mom and Sister, but I hope you understand the humor there too.

To be honest- the notion was tempting. I got a picture of us running away and getting married on some movie like romantic escapade....Then we happily return and plan the wedding while laying in bed together- naked- right after doing it.

I'll leave you with that image.

Back here again.

I am making baby steps.

I am trying to clean out my room in preparation of the big move.

BK and I signed the lease on the new place. It did not feel monumental or special- funny how I think it was supposed to feel that way. It felt normal. It was a little weird being in the apartment that will be ours. It was full of the current owners boxes and did not feel ours. I looked around and tried to imagine how it would look in a few months. I could not picture it clearly, but I liked trying.

We picked out dishes, flatware, glasses...but I think it has still not sunken in.

I'm jobless again. It sucks. I hate it. But it forces me to rely on God and to remember that I must look to him not only when things get rough, but also when things are well.

We're considering pushing the wedding up.....to early September.

It's crazy- I know. I am not sure if we will. A few things need to be figured out yet. But either way we are running out of time. We need to get invites out by next week.


Oh- and I am almost broke. Funny how I thought I was finally doing well with my money until I stopped getting a weekly pay check.


Still no dress...

Some more

Cool Top.

I think I am going to order this top and the ruffly top from the entry below. Then I am going to try them with a long white dress. I think this could work? Am I crazy? Do you guys not agree/ find this idea good?

Now...to decide what long dress to order....be on the lookout. I did order this dress from Target.

Shash not included.

I am not convinced it will fit me off the rack. I think it will need tailoring. Plus- I am concerned it will look or feel cheap. BUT if I had one of those nice tops with it maybe that would cover that up a little. Also- I don't know if I look good in a sheath dress or if I need a little a-line.

But I really like the top above. I think it's a good choice. I'm also wondering if some of the dress' at J Crew will work. You can check out their site if you want. They are nice and some are very very reasonably priced.

DRESS!!!- For your viewing pleasure and my reference

A fun option. Nice- non traditional. Good feel.

Pretty, simple dress. I don't think Ben would like it- I don't think he likes all the rushing.

Really cute top- could wear over a simple strapless gown- like the one right below.

Simple gown. A little pricey- I could find this dress elsewhere I think.

Super cute. Tryed this on at the mall. It's cute but I don't like it as an option by itself. Again- maybe could use it as an add on with a simple strapless gown. But again- that's an expensive dress and I would hate to ruin it by cutting it up and adding it to another one.

Cute Top. I could wear it over a dress, maybe.



I appreciate other opinions. ALSO- Boys can comment too. Their opinions are valued and very much appreciated.

I'm more optimistic now. I think I can make something work. But I think I may have to buy a lot and test it out and then decide. It's so hard to judge stuff without trying it on and such.

Liberated

Well. I don't want to speak too soon, but I may be out of a job. The show I was working on got shut down and depending on who you talk to- it could just be for a few days or forever. When I first heard I immediately felt sad and upset. Then after a few moments I was like- hey- no big deal. I'll make it. I'll figure something out. Tonight, after my potentially last day I felt something I did not expect. I felt liberated. I felt this very freeing joy. I had a good time hanging out with Ben. We joked around- we listened to some good music. I felt really happy. For the first time in months I felt open to anything. For the first time in months I don't know where my next pay check is coming from. It's nerve wracking- but I don't feel overwhelmed or anxious. I feel....joyful. I'm gonna be okay.

Side note- I think things could be falling into place. We'll see.


Counseling went well the other night. I like them. I want to be friends. I think we'll do better next time- now we know a little more what to expect.

The dress.

Yesterday I spent hours at the mall. I don't think I went into the day at all expecting to find my wedding dress. Mostly I just wanted to see what I could find at the mall. I tried on a number of things. A lot of different things- none of which were "wedding dresses". I thought a lot about what I wanted and did not want. I thought how the dress would set the tone for the event. I thought about what I wanted the tone of the event to be- and so how the dress should be.

It's a difficult task. I find myself wondering- will I ever find the dress. The one I see when I imagine the day. Last night I thought- maybe I could buy a simple dress and add my own stuff to it to make it that "dream dress."

Except- I don't know if I have really settled on what I want.

But I am now very much thinking about buying a dress and then altering it and adding some of my own touches. I would need help.

I need to think.

Getting a dress is going to be harder than I thought.

I want something like found at the below link. I'm sure that dress is impossible to find. It would be way out of my price range even if it was A- in season and B- available to buy (it was on the runway- those do not always make it into stores.)

Pretty dress

But I am wondering if I could somehow re-create the same look/ feel. What if I found a lovely simple dress and then made/ found some kind of lace jacket. Or- I could find some old lace/ slip to somehow mix with that same simple dress. There's some options.....I think. I hope.

I did this sketch really quickly tonight. I am very pleased with the sketch considering I'm rubbish at drawing. Do you suppose it is possible to find a very simple fitted sheath or a-line dress and then cut an opening at the bottom of the back and adding in that ruffly lace stuff and then doing a matching add on for the top. Or do you think this dress it out there. It probably is...I think I've seen it somewhere. Ah well...just a rough idea. I hate the bow I drew on the bottom sketch. It would not have such a dumb bow- but some kind of a tie or band.






What do you guys think?

The calm before the storm

I just love that phrase...

Well, things are happening. Still no confirmed location, or a dress.

BUT, I have been replaced as a roommate. Come the middle of August I will no longer be the renter of my current room. I don't know where I am going to go. BK and I get our new place the same time I am moving out my current one. I will have to stay at the new place or crash at friends homes until BK and I can officialy live there together.

We have our first meeting with the couple who will be giving us pre-marital counseling this coming Sunday. I imagine it will be fairly informal- we will just chat, get to know each other a little better, and form a plan for regualr meetings. I hope it goes smoothly and we mesh well. We know them (and have admired them) from a far. They used to go to our service at church, but not since the new site started. They are super cute and nice and have (I think) four super cute kids to match. I remember the three boys used to always come to church in matching outfits and I admired the skill it undoubtly took for the parents to first coordinate the outfits and then get them all ready in the morning.

I got a new cell phone and number. Now BK and I share a plan.

It keeps sinking in in small incriments that this is really happening. Things are starting to majorly go into flux, transition, and such.

Wow. I need to really get on top of this lanning huh? I stoped worrying about it and trying to control each and every detail. I'm trying to be laid back and relaxed about the whole thing. Which is good....but I also need to make sure I am getting done what needs to get done. I think we have almost set a date. We just need to confirm the location and make sure the date is okay with all the needed people.


Wow. I need to start packing.

Missing vacations blows.

This is my first real summer as a transitioning adult. Last summer I had only just graduated- so not much had time to change. This summer I am making what I like to call "tough choices." By that I mean that I am having to choose to work as opposed to going on vacations with people. I miss summer vacation and the freedom it brought. Why can't summer vacation be a worldwide holiday. I suppose someone would have to work. People at the boardwalk, and amusement parks, restaurants...

But I would get to go gallivanting everywhere without a care in the world. Oh well, there will be more vacations...

That's not really wedding related...back to wedding related thoughts.

I've figured out my work situation and now I can SET A DATE!! WHOO HOO!

Now- BK and I only have to find a location to fit the date and hope all our loved ones can make it! And we also pray and hope that his work situation (a bit more unpredictable) will continue to jive with the wedding date.

Finding a location has proven difficult. We are having some trouble finding the "dream" location. We have found some pretty good spots, but I would like to hold out for excellent. Problem is- We are running out of time, considering we are aiming for an early October wedding. I don't know how long we can hold out before we have to settle. It is tough- tight budget, short notice...

Anyone know any good barn/ rustic/ scenic/ inexpensive/ available/ with a lot to offer locations?


UPDATE:

Lead on a location which may end up being absolutely ideal. Not quite sure yet- I don't want to get my hopes up. I'll keep you all posted.

Why does getting married make everyone crazy?

I've heard the stories and seen the movies. Classic tale- bride comes home crying two nights before the wedding and screams to her confused parents- "The wedding is off!"

Why is it problems come out of the woodwork once you get engaged? Perhaps it is the stress of the wedding plans- facing the fact that you need to grow up and be an adult. You have responsibilities- bills to pay!

Now- I'll settle your nerves....nothing like this has happened to me personally. I'm just thinking and speculating. We're fine. However- I think for the first time I am in that place and can see how people get to that point.

I think that for me this step into engagement and pending marriage have brought my transition into adult hood speeding into my face with a loud thud and a smack. It's a lot to take in and process. I've been slowly transitioning and settling for awhile now- but now I feel like it all has to be resolved at once. That's not truly the case, but it has forced me to take care of some things I had been putting off.

I'm once again questioning why I want the wedding to be a particular way. BK keeps pushing- let's get it done, let's just get married, why do we have to plan so much, why do we need all that stuff.

I can't seem to make him understand. But what exactly am I trying to make him understand? Why do I need A-B-C there in order to have D, with D equal to a perfect wedding.

I really am pushing myself to think outside the traditional box- think cheap- think green- think simple- think fast. On top of that I am trying to sort out my work situation. As much as I would like to just not take another job once my current one ends this week I cannot. I cannot just stop working for a month so I can plan a super fast wedding NOW. We need money- we have a lot of expenses coming our way.

Last light when BK was saying things like- "why do we have to send out invitations- why can't we just call people?" I became very angry and annoyed with him (sidenote- why do i need invitations). I reminded him how I gave him lots of time to propose and now he needs to give me a little bit of time to figure out my stuff. except that I don't just want it to be my stuff. i want to work together.


This post had a lot of stuff in it I suppose...

Anyways.

I am saving up used glass containers- things like spaghetti jars, jam jars, etc. Help me!! Instead of throwing them in the recycling bin (or the trash!) give them to me. I am going to use them as vases and maybe even candle holders at the wedding. they can be any shape, size, or color. The more variety the better.

Plans.

Today I paid off the remaining balance on my credit card. From now on I will use it only for wedding items. I am going to order several dresses from the internet's (that are not in stores) and try them on upon arrival. If I like one- I'll keep it. If not I'll return it. I think next weekend is going to be "dress weekend." My hope is to have all the big stuff done and ready by the end of August. Then in September I can focus on pulling together all the details.

I have moments in the midst of all these plans where I get a flash of what the day will look like....it makes me so happy and so excited. I really truly cannot wait.