Yesterday was the big bad bridal shower. It was nice- it was just really strange for me to process the situation. I suppose I have pictured myself in that situation before...but it was still hard to grasp that I was there and people were playing a game where they had to answer questions like-"How much time went by where EM thought BK would propose and did not?"

Answer: 1 year.

It's been a strange few months....and it will continue to be such for awhile still. I keep saying and meaning more and more- "I can't wait for the honeymoon." I'll say it again- "I really can't wait for the honeymoon." I want a vacation. A time to rest, and process everything. A time to be happy. A time to spend time with BK and not be bogged down with worry, or stress, or life.



the wedding is coming together- but I fear not in a way I envisioned. I envisioned an airy open barn with a loft. I pictured picnic tables- dressed up with table clothes, candles, and flowers. I had a lovely long dress that I can't imagine a clear picture of- but trust me- I look amazing. There are strings of lights hanging from the rafters. There are big tin basins filled with ice and beer and a manly men standing behind grills- cookin the best tasting BBQ Cornish hens ever. All my family and friends are there- it feels full, but not crowded and impersonal. The large barn doors open to a wide ever expanding field with a mountain and a sunset in the distance.

I never got that barn- and I never got picnic tables. Then I found out how much everything cost. From then on it just kind of faded.

Don't get me wrong- I am really happy with our current location. I love it. It is everything else- once my "vision" faded I had a hard time deciding what to do.

I think though that I am starting to regain some of it. I am starting to regain some energy and desire towards the wedding day plans. But now- I am having trouble making time to devote to the plans.

I need a dress. I need to re focus my energies into finding a dress. I must find that dress. Too bad this coming Saturday I will be attending a wedding instead of having time to plan my own wedding.

I'll try and make time. I'll try and find that dress.