Joel, life is not a series of switches but rather a series of moves.

New Years has come and gone and nothing feels different. No matter how many times I tell myself that holidays, special occasions, and the like bring no change I cannot get my mind to work with that truth. Why do we make New Years resolutions? If something is wrong why not change it today as opposed to waiting for a special occasion?

BK's 24th birthday is in a couple days. I asked him today, "What did you think your life would be like at age 24 when you were 20, or 16? What is different from what you expected?" It is hard to answer that question because when we look back it is sometimes hard to remember what we thought in the past without the bias of the present. He thought the biggest difference was that he thought he would be playing music in a band.

I tried to answer the question for myself. I think my ideas of the future have never been very concrete. I've never thought- at this age I'll have this job or have reached this goal. Rather I've thought I would have reached a certain security, or status, or contentment.

I do not think I will ever meet those expectations. Nor should I or want to meet them. BUt I have trouble shaking them from my mind.

I get frustrated sometimes with the unknown. I have trouble letting go and just living.

I am an onion. BK knows me better than anyone else. I often am convinced he knows me better than I know myself. He said the other day that he did not think he was done getting to know me. I have many "things" that he has yet to learn or understand.

I'm complex.

All this is to say that I am in a strange mood today. I am in the type of mood where I listen to the following two albums:

Jimmy Eat World: Clarity
Dashboard Confessional: So Impossible EP

What does that mean exactly? I'm not sure. I think it means that my mind is both craving the past and the future and fearing and questioning both...all at the same time.

I used to remember the time on the clock when we realized it was so late, but I no longer do. If I could find my old diary I might have written it down. Yes...I'm in one of those moods...the one where you read your old diary.