Joel, don't say it (or write it) unless you mean it. Words are not to waste.

Today I thought about not being married. I entertained the thought for a moment...

What if I just ran away? I could steal the car- empty my bank account and just drive away and disappear. I often think of such foolish things. I think it is what is most commonly known as fear. I struggle with it quite a lot. I am not made for running (because of said fear) but I often feel an impulse to run in order to flea a difficult situation. I hate with all of my being difficulty. But truly what I hate is the difficulty of facing the disappointment from someone I love. Today I told Benjamin how high my credit card bill has gotten. He was not upset, nor did it cause a fight. It made sense, what with the recent wedding, honeymoon, and many purchases for the apartment. Yet- I've known for weeks how high my bill has been and have put off telling him because I was scared what he would think of me.

Marriage is wonderful. I love being married. I love my husband. Yet it is not always easy. It takes work. I am not perfect- and I hate showing my short comings for fear of what people will think of me.

I have felt a little sad the past few days. The first holiday as a married couple helped the fact that life has changed sink in a little bit more. Life is changing in huge ways and I need to accept that wonderful, exciting, and sometimes a little scary fact.