It's hard to quit cold trukey.

I do not really want to write here, but I am at work and sometimes at work I get the urge to use my little breaks in this manor. It has been a difficult couple of weeks. My husband has been working nights, and therefore I see him for about a half hour- hour in the morning as I get ready for work and he gets ready for bed and then again in the eveing but with the roles reversed. This means I have had few chances to talk and vent, and so I feel like I've got it all built up inside and need to get it out this second. So please forgive me as I download...

BK applied to grad school last week. We will not know if he is accepted until MArch or April of 2009. This wait and period of uncertaintly may kill me. I am not good at waiting, and not knowing. I hope it will be an opportunity to grow in patience.

I want to pray more. I have failed to build it into my life and my marriage and this is a serious matter I need to adress and have begun to address. Too much is going on for me to be lacking in this area.

I hope my husband gets into grad school. I am a bit jelous of his chance to do this. There is nothing physically stopping me from going to school of course- I just cannot accept the fact that it costs so much money. I can read books and learn new things and follow through on assignments, and seek out teachers and mentors ALL ON MY OWN for FREE (for the most part). Challenging myself to become a self motivated self taught learner would be better for me...I think.

I have begun to feel a desire to move. I want to move away and start somewhere new and start new things. Yet- at the same time, I will miss my home and friends, and family. This place is special to me. BUT still, I feel the need to be made uncombfortable, to be challeneged, to learn again what it is like to not know anyone and to survive.

I have been thinking semi- seriosly about starting my own business. Now- do not laugh, but I have been contemplating starting my own portrait/ wedding photog business. I do not think myself ready right now, but I think I could be. With some serious training and hard work I think I could and would enjoy this. I am commited to my current job until July. During this time I want to try and use my free time to pray about this, try small projects, maybe take some workshops, try and get a few assistant jobs. I constantly doubt whether I can do it, but I know I want to try. I have a hard time viewing my future with my current career path. When I try and see my future on this unchartered unknown career path I see it clearly. Dreaming is easy, and the grass is always greener on the other side...I know...I know...this is why I am not rushing. I have lots of time left in my current job and lots of time to take small steps and say big prayers.


I like the idea of being my own boss.


I miss my husband a lot.